Comments on: Why Are Intimate Friendships So Difficult? http://www.colicinfant.com/blog/jinis-musings/why-are-intimate-friendships-so-difficult/ Co-Creating Healthy, Compassionate, Wise Families Sun, 22 Jan 2012 08:41:31 -0700 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.1.3 By: Schimming http://www.colicinfant.com/blog/jinis-musings/why-are-intimate-friendships-so-difficult/comment-page-1/#comment-840 Schimming Sat, 01 Jan 2011 23:24:25 +0000 http://www.colicinfant.com/blog/?p=28#comment-840 Good blog. Will visit again. Cheers Good blog. Will visit again. Cheers

]]> By: Ashes http://www.colicinfant.com/blog/jinis-musings/why-are-intimate-friendships-so-difficult/comment-page-1/#comment-836 Ashes Mon, 20 Dec 2010 10:45:16 +0000 http://www.colicinfant.com/blog/?p=28#comment-836 This topic of the difficulty of finding meaningful relationships in a time where our attention span and self-reflection are challenged is one that I've spent some time discussing of late. The topic has took an interesting turn when a relationship expert posted a blog suggesting that marriages should perhaps require continued "renewal" to ensure that both parties still want to remain engaged in each others' lives - or allow the "contract" to expire (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemplating-divorce/201012/what-if-marriage-had-natural-end/comments). This clearly rubbed some people the wrong way - but it may be more in line with how we function as a society these days. Women do not need to be dependent on a male for her well-being or identity - so we're seeing the consequence of people developing at different rates and directions in the sky-rocketing divorce rates. In the same vein, high school friends that develop into adults with different life perspectives and goals are unlikely to have much in common as adults. Relationships that form after people have reached their own self-actualization are likely to be stronger and more meaningful then when people form ties while they are still finding their purpose. Finding a self-actualized individual in a time when we're bred to be outwardly motivated and always dissatisfied is undoubtedly challenging. What we want to both have personally and our relationships is the character of the true "modest" person who defines their self-worth by their own standards and not on the opinion of others (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/maybe-its-just-me/201012/modesty-and-existentialist-freedom). How many such joyful souls do you know? It's a question I've gone around asking - and they truly are rare birds. This topic of the difficulty of finding meaningful relationships in a time where our attention span and self-reflection are challenged is one that I’ve spent some time discussing of late. The topic has took an interesting turn when a relationship expert posted a blog suggesting that marriages should perhaps require continued “renewal” to ensure that both parties still want to remain engaged in each others’ lives – or allow the “contract” to expire (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemplating-divorce/201012/what-if-marriage-had-natural-end/comments). This clearly rubbed some people the wrong way – but it may be more in line with how we function as a society these days. Women do not need to be dependent on a male for her well-being or identity – so we’re seeing the consequence of people developing at different rates and directions in the sky-rocketing divorce rates. In the same vein, high school friends that develop into adults with different life perspectives and goals are unlikely to have much in common as adults. Relationships that form after people have reached their own self-actualization are likely to be stronger and more meaningful then when people form ties while they are still finding their purpose.
Finding a self-actualized individual in a time when we’re bred to be outwardly motivated and always dissatisfied is undoubtedly challenging. What we want to both have personally and our relationships is the character of the true “modest” person who defines their self-worth by their own standards and not on the opinion of others (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/maybe-its-just-me/201012/modesty-and-existentialist-freedom).
How many such joyful souls do you know? It’s a question I’ve gone around asking – and they truly are rare birds.

]]> By: Griner http://www.colicinfant.com/blog/jinis-musings/why-are-intimate-friendships-so-difficult/comment-page-1/#comment-824 Griner Thu, 25 Nov 2010 17:53:19 +0000 http://www.colicinfant.com/blog/?p=28#comment-824 Very interesting. Thank you Very interesting. Thank you

]]> By: Stukes http://www.colicinfant.com/blog/jinis-musings/why-are-intimate-friendships-so-difficult/comment-page-1/#comment-817 Stukes Sat, 06 Nov 2010 07:10:15 +0000 http://www.colicinfant.com/blog/?p=28#comment-817 Always interesting to follow annice website. Thank you for the post. In addition, apart from the content , the design of your blog looks really neat . Cheers. Always interesting to follow annice website. Thank you for the post. In addition, apart from the content , the design of your blog looks really neat . Cheers.

]]> By: Linda B. http://www.colicinfant.com/blog/jinis-musings/why-are-intimate-friendships-so-difficult/comment-page-1/#comment-89 Linda B. Sat, 20 Sep 2008 14:36:19 +0000 http://www.colicinfant.com/blog/?p=28#comment-89 I have come to realize that it is never about what we search for "out there" but truly an inner relationship (or friendship) with the self. I have, over the years, begun this intrinsic relationship and it has been a slow one because of the distractions in everyday life. But, it is worth it because there is where I find peace and balance that I take to my world "out there". Concentrating on the friend you are deciding to be and finding the friend in you is truly the only thing one has the capacity to evolve or change. Putting that energy out there and living your life as an example of what you believe to be a true, meaningful relationship or friendship will resonate with the people who also seek this intimacy and will therefore be drawn to you. This is what I believe to be the very basis of the "laws of attraction" of the universe: create what you desire. This is a very gentle process. It is sometimes a slow process. It is a process of growing and evolving and becoming a person who you like and, yes, even love. Living with your own truth will probably cause you to live with the truth of others as well. If you could really love yourself imagine how much you could love another person albeit a friend, a parent, a husband, a child, a neighbor. I also believe that friendships come and go in our lives because they are what we need at any given point. Sometimes we continue to draw the same type of relationship to ourselves that is toxic and then we wonder why it keeps happening over and over again. Perhaps we haven't changed something in ourselves that brings this type of friend to our life. Again, be the friend that you want to have. Something I see repeatedly with people I know is that they do not have friends or time for friends etc... What has been very fulfilling for me is to recognize the friendship I have with the immediate people around me. I have come to know my children as my friends in a way that does not compromise our parent-child relationship. How meaningful it is to read and play together, to go for walks, to talk openly and honestly. Or how about our husbands? Can he not be our friend? Or our parents or people that sit lonely in an old age home that are a wealth of information that we could learn from? Friendships come in varying degrees and in varying forms and even at various times in our lives. If we embrace and accept these moving tides we will probably feel happier and more fulfulled. Perhaps we need to consider that this is the nature of relationships: they change over time just like anything else because we change. How can we possibly have the same relationship with the same people indefinately if we are all changing. I am not the same person I was 20 years ago and I am quite happy about that. I miss the old Linda but she too is an old friend that I remember fondly. I have a couple of friendships that I have had for many years and none of them live within hours of me. We talk on the phone 2 or 3 times a year. We hardly see each other and yet when we do connect the whole world comes to a standstill and our conversation is like sitting by a warm fire on a cold winter eve sipping hot cocoa and indulging in delicious talk about the world. That to me is true friendship. I choose not to judge my friend because I do not want my friend to judge me, I choose to love my friend because I too want to be loved. This is everything to me. To feel free to be me. So when my friends are too busy and I need a friend, I find the friendship with myself fulfills me. I spend time by myself taking care of me (even if it is only a few moments at a time). I have learned to focus on what is happening here and now (in the moment so to speak) whether I am with a group of friends or all by myself! I have come to realize that it is never about what we search for “out there” but truly an inner relationship (or friendship) with the self. I have, over the years, begun this intrinsic relationship and it has been a slow one because of the distractions in everyday life. But, it is worth it because there is where I find peace and balance that I take to my world “out there”.

Concentrating on the friend you are deciding to be and finding the friend in you is truly the only thing one has the capacity to evolve or change. Putting that energy out there and living your life as an example of what you believe to be a true, meaningful relationship or friendship will resonate with the people who also seek this intimacy and will therefore be drawn to you. This is what I believe to be the very basis of the “laws of attraction” of the universe: create what you desire.

This is a very gentle process. It is sometimes a slow process. It is a process of growing and evolving and becoming a person who you like and, yes, even love. Living with your own truth will probably cause you to live with the truth of others as well. If you could really love yourself imagine how much you could love another person albeit a friend, a parent, a husband, a child, a neighbor.

I also believe that friendships come and go in our lives because they are what we need at any given point. Sometimes we continue to draw the same type of relationship to ourselves that is toxic and then we wonder why it keeps happening over and over again. Perhaps we haven’t changed something in ourselves that brings this type of friend to our life. Again, be the friend that you want to have.

Something I see repeatedly with people I know is that they do not have friends or time for friends etc… What has been very fulfilling for me is to recognize the friendship I have with the immediate people around me. I have come to know my children as my friends in a way that does not compromise our parent-child relationship. How meaningful it is to read and play together, to go for walks, to talk openly and honestly. Or how about our husbands? Can he not be our friend? Or our parents or people that sit lonely in an old age home that are a wealth of information that we could learn from?

Friendships come in varying degrees and in varying forms and even at various times in our lives. If we embrace and accept these moving tides we will probably feel happier and more fulfulled. Perhaps we need to consider that this is the nature of relationships: they change over time just like anything else because we change. How can we possibly have the same relationship with the same people indefinately if we are all changing. I am not the same person I was 20 years ago and I am quite happy about that. I miss the old Linda but she too is an old friend that I remember fondly.

I have a couple of friendships that I have had for many years and none of them live within hours of me. We talk on the phone 2 or 3 times a year. We hardly see each other and yet when we do connect the whole world comes to a standstill and our conversation is like sitting by a warm fire on a cold winter eve sipping hot cocoa and indulging in delicious talk about the world. That to me is true friendship. I choose not to judge my friend because I do not want my friend to judge me, I choose to love my friend because I too want to be loved. This is everything to me. To feel free to be me.

So when my friends are too busy and I need a friend, I find the friendship with myself fulfills me. I spend time by myself taking care of me (even if it is only a few moments at a time). I have learned to focus on what is happening here and now (in the moment so to speak) whether I am with a group of friends or all by myself!

]]> By: Nicole http://www.colicinfant.com/blog/jinis-musings/why-are-intimate-friendships-so-difficult/comment-page-1/#comment-86 Nicole Thu, 18 Sep 2008 11:09:13 +0000 http://www.colicinfant.com/blog/?p=28#comment-86 You know something funny that occurred to me - maybe other people, like me, tend to think of friends and family as totally separate things. But all the things you mentioned: spontaneous visiting back and forth, conversation on deep subjects, etc.; the people I've actually had that with - in a totally uninterrupted way - are, in fact, my parents. Marriage and parenthood has interrupted/changed all of the friendships that were deep and close in my single days, but not the closeness with my own parents. I always sought closeness with them, but it's grown and evolved over the years from "I am the parent; you are the child to be guided and protected" (particularly on the part of my mother - my dad was more, "If you want to know what I think, you have to ask me; and then the decision is yours, anyway, as far as what you do") to adults who just enjoy each others' company. Hmmm. You know something funny that occurred to me – maybe other people, like me, tend to think of friends and family as totally separate things. But all the things you mentioned: spontaneous visiting back and forth, conversation on deep subjects, etc.; the people I’ve actually had that with – in a totally uninterrupted way – are, in fact, my parents. Marriage and parenthood has interrupted/changed all of the friendships that were deep and close in my single days, but not the closeness with my own parents. I always sought closeness with them, but it’s grown and evolved over the years from “I am the parent; you are the child to be guided and protected” (particularly on the part of my mother – my dad was more, “If you want to know what I think, you have to ask me; and then the decision is yours, anyway, as far as what you do”) to adults who just enjoy each others’ company. Hmmm.

]]> By: Rick Boyer http://www.colicinfant.com/blog/jinis-musings/why-are-intimate-friendships-so-difficult/comment-page-1/#comment-84 Rick Boyer Wed, 17 Sep 2008 22:26:24 +0000 http://www.colicinfant.com/blog/?p=28#comment-84 I must say this is a great article i enjoyed reading it keep the good work :) I must say this is a great article i enjoyed reading it keep the good work :)

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