The main technique most mothers around me tend to use is some version of the Ferber Method, also referred to as “controlled crying”. This is the same technique my mother used when I was an infant, to get me to sleep by myself (in my own crib, in my own room) through the night.

I have never even considered using this technique with my 3 kids, just following my gut intuition, and I recently found an excerpt from lactation consultant Pinky McKay that so eloquently outlines why:

One of the arguments for using controlled crying is that it ‘works’, but perhaps the definition of success needs to be examined more closely. In the small number of studies undertaken, while most babies will indeed stop waking when they are left to cry, ‘success’ varies from an extra hour’s sleep each night to little difference between babies who underwent sleep training and those who didn’t, eight weeks later. Some studies found that up to one-third of the babies who underwent controlled crying ‘failed sleep school’. A recent Australian baby magazine survey revealed that lthough 57 per cent of mothers who responded to the survey had tried controlled crying, 27 per cent reported no success, 27 per cent found it worked for one or two nights, and only 8 per cent found that controlled crying worked for longer than a week. To me, this suggests that even if harsher regimes work initially, babies are likely to start waking again as they reach new developmental stages or conversely, they may become more settled and sleep (without any intervention) as they reach appropriate developmental levels.

Controlled crying and other similar regimes may indeed work to produce a self-soothing, solitary sleeping infant. However, the trade-off could be an anxious, clingy or hyper-vigilant child or even worse, a child whose trust is broken. Unfortunately, we can’t measure attributes such as trust and empathy which are the basic skills for forming all relationships. We can’t, for instance, give a child a trust quotient like we can give him an intelligence quotient. One of the saddest emails I have received was from a mother who did controlled crying with her one-year-old toddler.

“After a week of controlled crying he slept, but he stopped talking (he was saying single words). For the past year, he has refused all physical contact from me. If he hurts himself, he goes to his older brother (a preschooler) for comfort. I feel devastated that I have betrayed my child.”

It is the very principle that makes controlled crying ‘work’ that is of greatest concern: when controlled crying ‘succeeds’ in teaching a baby to fall asleep alone, it is due to a process that neurobiologist Bruce Perry calls the ‘defeat response’. Normally, when humans feel threatened, our bodies flood with stress hormones and we go into ‘fight’ or ‘flight’. However, babies can’t fight and they can’t flee, so they communicate their distress by crying. When infant cries are ignored, this trauma elicits a ‘freeze’ or ‘defeat’ response. Babies eventually abandon their crying as the nervous system shuts down the emotional pain and the striving to reach out.

One explanation for the success of ‘crying it out’ is that when an infant’s defeat response is triggered often enough, the child will become habituated to this. That is, each time the child is left to cry, he ‘switches’ more quickly to this response. This is why babies may cry for say, an hour the first night, twenty minutes the following night and fall asleep almost immediately on the third night (if you are ‘lucky’). They are ‘switching off’ (and sleeping) more quickly, not learning a legitimate skill.

Whether sleep ‘success’ is due to behavioural principles (that is, a lack of ‘rewards’ when baby wakes) or whether the baby is overwhelmed by a stress reaction, the saddest risk of all is that as he tries to communicate in the only way available to him, the baby who is left to cry in order to teach him to sleep will learn a much crueler lesson – that he cannot make a difference, so what is the point of reaching out. This is learned helplessness.

This is an edited extract from “Sleeping Like a Baby” by Pinky McKay (Penguin). Pinky is am International Board Certified Lactation Consultant, Certified Infant Massage Instructor and mother of five. For more tips to help your baby (and you!) sleep, read Pinky’s best-selling book Sleeping Like a Baby.

Personally, I feel being “left to cry” as an infant was the foundation of my fears of not feeling safe in the world – which I have spent about 20 years of healing/therapy overcoming! It is not the only contributing factor, but I think it is a significant one.

So, I looked for numerous other methods and tools to use to help my children to sleep easily without damaging their trust, security and attachment to me. My Sleeptime Story CDs are one tool that work great for kids aged 18 months – 6 years.

Click here to listen to a sample of a Murray The Shark Sleeptime Story – this one’s called The FIshing Game.

soar higher,

Jini

Question:
Dear Jini,
Thank you so much for listening to our challenges with constipation. I totally appreciate your help. Our daughter is 7 months old – she has been constipated for approximately 3 months. For the last 3 months, she has had approximately a dozen unassisted bowel movements. We have to give her an enema for her to have a bowel movement. This happens usually every 3 or 4 days – sometimes we have waited over a week. However, the longer we wait the more agonizing it is for her.

When she was on just breastmilk, she had 3 – 4 movements/day – consistency like mustardy, fatty breast-milk movements. Now, I give her Enfamil A+ with Iron. There seems to be soy in the ingredients but otherwise I can’t tell. This is what we had when we were in the hospital. Also, we gave her pablum on the advice of both of our mothers to get her to sleep through the night. Perhaps a bit early at the 4 month mark.

We have tried many things to try and help her – prune juice, water, sugar water, fruit, vegetables, massage, (3 months of acupuncture and herbs – hundreds of dollars later…). Also at first we gave her suppositories, however it seemed to be a long term issue so we stopped to avoid dependency. Now we have to give her salt water enemas – otherwise she pushes and pushes to no avail – it is heart-wrenching to watch. The water seems to flush her system and enable her to pass stool more easily. It is painful for her. What she does pass are hard nuggets usually larger than a golf ball.

Our Chinese doctor says she has a weak spleen and digestive system. The acupuncture treatment, although good, seemed to be slow and we are running out of funds. Agh!! What to do? Jini, thanks so much for any thing you might be able to offer.
C. M.
Alberta, Canada

Answer:
Your poor little darling – it must be agonizing to have her go through this! When I started my daughter on solids at 5.5 months, she became constipated for up to 6 days at a time and it nearly killed me to watch her pass those HUGE solid bowel movements. So, based on all my knowledge and personal experience, here’s my opinion on what I think would work for your girl:

1. Immediately get her started on Natren brand’s Life Start (B.infantis) probiotic. 1/4 tsp. 3 times per day. Once she’s pooping regularly, cut it back to twice a day, and then after two months of that, cut it back to only 1/8 tsp. twice a day. Once she’s eight months old, add Natren’s MegaDophilus (L.acidophilus) probiotic (1/8 tsp) as well. The best way to give her the probiotics is to put them into a little dish, dip your finger in the dish and then let her suck your finger, rub it on her gums, etc. Give it to her on an empty stomach – 15 mins. before food or formula. If you can’t give it to her this way, you can add it to her formula bottle, but it will be less effective that way. Remember to keep the probiotics refrigerated at all times. DO NOT substitute another brand of probiotic – it has to be Natren for both safety and efficacy issues. Once bowel function has normalized, continue on the probiotics for at least 3 more months. Thereafter, use only once a day, or sporadically as needed.

2. Iron is very constipating (has anyone told you this?) so if you can get an iron-free formula, do so. If you’re worried about her getting enough iron, then just puree some cooked spinach, chard, or seaweed for her (you can add fruit or yams to it if she doesn’t like the taste straight). I prefer raw goat’s milk or raw cow’s milk to any formula, so try her with that if possible – or you can also get formulas that have goat milk as the protein source – if you can’t find one locally, then check the Internet. If you’re still breastfeeding, it would be best to simply cut out the formula altogether and just feed her solids and breastmilk. Do not give her soy-based formula. Soy blocks mineral absorption, depresses thyroid function and contains massive amounts of estrogen.

3. Every time you give her an enema, you’re disrupting the bacterial flora in her bowel. An unbalanced bacterial flora (too much bad bacteria) is the primary cause of constipation. So, the probiotics (good bacteria) will address this root cause of the problem, but as long as you keep giving the enemas, you’ll also be washing out a lot of the good bacteria. So, here are two ideas on how to get round this….(a) when you give her an enema, instead of putting salt in the water, put 1 tsp. of Life Start probiotic in the enema water and/or (b) when you first start her on the Natren’s probiotic, try to wait 4 days to give it a chance to implant and see if the probiotics alone will normalize bowel function that quickly. Also the next point will also help facilitate bowel movements….

4. For her cereal, take her off any rice or wheat cereal and give her oatmeal or barley cereal instead. Mix this cereal with 2 parts pureed fruit (i.e. 1 tbsp. cereal, 2 tbsp. fruit) and 1/4 tsp.- 1/2 tsp. of Udo’s Choice Ultimate Oil Blend or Flax Oil. Not only will the oil help her bowels, but it is fantastic for brain development, skin, connective tissue, nails, hair, etc. Get the Udo’s oil if possible or, if that’s too expensive, then just cold-pressed flax oil is also good. Mix it all with a good amount of warm water – as runny as you/she wish to make it.

5. Try to get her to drink as much water as possible. We always gave our daughter a bottle of water on her tray table with her meals, so she could drink as much as she liked whilst feeding and then we left her playing with the water at the end of the meal. If she can’t hold the bottle yet, then just keep offering it to her periodically whilst feeding her solids and then again at the end of the meal. Adding extra water to her formula will not have the same effect as her drinking pure water. When you take her out, don’t take a bottle of juice, take water (filtered or spring only).

6. At some point, I would also recommend you take her for a craniosacral treatment or two. Acupuncture is good as a long-term therapy, however, I think she would see more relief (and faster) from a craniosacral treatment. Craniosacral is usually done by massage therapists or osteopathic doctors, some chiropractors have also received certification in it. In the UK there are osteopathic hospitals where EVERY newborn recieves craniosacral treatments! Make sure the person you go to is certified and, ideally, experienced with babies. Check the Yellow Pages, or go to www.upledger.com and search for someone certified at Level II or higher. In the meantime, you or your husband can do loving, gentle colonic massage on her.

When these therapies begin to take effect, she may have multiple bowel movements for days in a row. This is a good thing as she probably has a lot stuck in there that needs to be cleaned out.

Important: The probiotics do not cause bowel movements, they NORMALIZE bowel function. If she were suffering from chronic diarrhea, the treatment would be the same. If she continues to have lots of bowel movements, or they’re really liquid for more than 10 days, then cut back the amount of oil in her cereal.

Anyway, hope that helps you out and please keep me posted on how it goes. The Natren probiotics are the key and banished my girl’s constipation in 2 days – but if we missed a dose (in the first 2 weeks of therapy), she would not have a bowel movement that day.

All the best,
Jini

Follow-Up Email:
WOW!!!! thank you so much for your reply. You are a wealth of
information. I am realizing there is so much we don’t know and it is
so hard to get good information. We have implemented a diet without rice, formula, and more pureed fruit and water since your last email. She has had two bowel movements a day for the last three days. This is such an improvement!! So, for now things are improving – however, it sounds like the Life Start would normalize her system and perhaps set a foundation for the years to come. I will keep you posted on how it goes and again thank you so much!!
C.M.
Alberta, Canada

Final Note from Jini:
It is over a year later as I write this, and this baby’s bowel movements have continued to be normal.

Enjoy!

soar higher,

Jini

We recently had a joint birthday party at my place with 54 adults and 33 kids. So many people asked for my recipes that I’ve decided to post them here on my blog.

If you’re planning a party, this mix of recipes is ideal because:

1. They can be made over a 3-day stretch before the party, so you don’t get exhausted trying to prepare everything within a day.

2. There is a nice mix of flavors and textures – sure to please every palate.

3. Except for the Singapore Meatballs, everything is vegetarian – but equally appealing to meat eaters.

For the kids, I just put out a veggie and dip plate, a fruit plate, a big bowl of plain potato chips and ordered cheese pizza. The kids received no chemicals and their only sugar was a piece of birthday cake and 1 juice box (with their pizza). Hmmm…. do you think that had something to do with the fact that we did not have ONE fight, accident, injury, etc. from 4 pm – 11 pm and all 33 kids (aged 1 – 10) played happily? I know from my own kids, if I feed them good foods (no chemicals, minimal sugar), they don’t get crazy!

Anyway, here are the recipes. They are in the normal sized amounts for a regular family or small dinner party, so if you’re having a big party, just quadruple the recipes – Enjoy!

JINI’S CAESAR SALAD DRESSING

Ingredients:

2 egg yolks
5 cloves garlic – peeled
juice of 1 lemon
1 tbsp white vinegar
1/2 tsp worcestershire sauce
1/2 tsp salt
pinch of pepper
1 tin of anchovies (50 grams), drained of oil (Millionaires brand is best)
1 cup very finely grated fresh parmigiano (parmesan) cheese from Italy
1.5 cups Italian extra virgin olive oil, at room temperature

1. Put egg yolks, garlic, lemon juice, vinegar, worcestershire, salt, pepper and anchovies in the blender and puree on low speed until liquid.

2. Keep blender running on low speed puree setting and add the olive oil in a VERY thin stream, until all the oil is gone and the dressing is now very thick.

3. Stir in the parmesan cheese.

4. Pour into wide mouth glass jar and store in the fridge. I find this dressing is fine if kept in the fridge for up to 2 months.

Mix well with romaine lettuce and then sprinkle more finely grated fresh parmesan on top. Add chicken or shrimp and you have a meal!

*Note: You must use Italian olive oil, italian parmigiano (parmesan) and very good quality anchovies for this dressing to taste right.

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SUPER CREAMY HUMMUS

Ingredients:
1 (12 oz) can chickpeas
1/4 cup tahini (from roasted seeds)
1/4 cup fresh lemon juice
5 cloves of garlic
salt to taste

Garnish:
olive oil
parsley
chopped tomatoes

1.  First put the tahini and lemon juice into a blender and blend away until it’s frothy, white, and creamy.

2.  Add minced garlic and blend it into the cream

3. Open the cans of chickpeas, drain, and rinse them off in a strainer using cold water.

4.  Blend in chickpeas a little at a time until the cream has thickened, but isn’t too thick and is still pale. Add salt to taste. If it’s too thick, just add some filtered water and blend until consistency is .

5. Scoop the hummus into a bowl, sprinkle parsley and chopped tomatoes on top, and drizzle good olive oil over it. It’s best if served at room temperature or slightly warmer.

Note: The key to a good, creamy hummus is to emulsify the tahini in a water based liquid (or lemon juice) FIRST. This will NOT happen if you just put everything into a food processor all at once!

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HOT SPINACH ARTICHOKE DIP

Ingredients:

• 1 (14 ounce) can artichoke hearts, drained
• 1/3 cup grated Romano cheese
• 1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese
• 1 tablespoon minced garlic
• 1 (10 ounce) package frozen chopped spinach, thawed and drained
• 1/3 cup cream cheese
• 1/2 cup sour cream
• 1 cup shredded mozzarella cheese
• salt to taste

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease a 9×13 inch baking dish.

2. In a blender or food processor, place artichoke hearts, Romano cheese, Parmesan cheese and garlic . Pulse until chopped, but not ground. Set aside.

3. In a medium bowl, mix together spinach, heavy cream, sour cream and mozzarella cheese. Stir in artichoke mixture. Spoon into prepared baking dish.

4. Bake in the preheated oven for 20 to 25 minutes, or until top is lightly browned and cheese is melted and bubbly.

5. Garnish with fresh, diced tomatoes and serve with tortilla chips, or french bread rounds.

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JINI’S TABOULEH

Ingredients:

2 cups couscous, cooked and cooled
1 medium onion, finely diced
1 cup chopped parsley
1/2 cup fresh mint leaves, chopped (optional)
1 cup chopped fresh tomatoes, peeled
5 tablespoons (1/4 cup + 1 tablespoon) olive oil
1/4 cup fresh lemon juice
salt to taste

To make 2 cups of cooked couscous:

Bring 1 cup of filtered water to a boil in a pot, along with 1 tsp of olive oil and 1/4 tsp salt. Stir in 2/3 cup of couscous and bring it back to a boil again. Then immediately put a lid on the saucepan and turn off the stove. Leave it sit for 10 minutes and then fluff with a fork and turn it into a bowl to cool off. When cooled, you can use it to make the Tabouleh.

Mix all ingredients together well and refrigerate.

Serve with pita bread, tortilla chips or as a side dish to a main meal.

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UPSCALE CHEESE LOG

Ingredients:

• 2 (8 ounce) packages cream cheese, softened
• 1/2 cup shredded sharp Cheddar cheese
• 3 ounces blue cheese
• 1/2 cup butter, melted
• 1 tablespoon finely minced garlic
• 1/2 tsp. Worcestershire sauce
• 1/2 cup finely chopped fresh black olives
• 2 tablespoons finely chopped green onions
• 1 cup chopped, roasted pecans

1. In a large bowl, mix the cream cheese, Cheddar cheese, blue cheese, melted butter, garlic, and Worcestershire sauce until mixed smoothly. Then stir in the olives and green onions until well mixed. Cover, and refrigerate 30 minutes, until firm.

2. Shape the mixture into logs 1.5 inches in diameter, and roll each in the pecans to coat.

3. Wrap each log in wax paper and then again in plastic wrap (this prevents the transfer of toxins from the plastic into the food).

Store in fridge or freezer

To Roast Pecans: Heat 2 tablespoons olive oil in a large frying pan, at medium heat. Add the pecans and stir constantly until they make a “pop” sound and/or smell like toasted nuts.

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SINGAPORE SWEET ‘N SOUR MEATBALLS

Ingredients:

* 1 pound ground beef
* 1 egg
* 1 onion, chopped
* 1 large carrot, diced very tiny
* 1 cup dry bread crumbs
* salt and pepper to taste
* 1 cup water
* 1/4 cup white vinegar
* 1/2 cup ketchup
* 2 tablespoons cornstarch
* 1/4 cup brown sugar or honey
* 3 tablespoons soy sauce

1. In a large bowl, combine beef, egg, onion, bread crumbs, salt and pepper. Roll into meatballs about 1 inch in size.

2. In a large skillet over medium heat, saute the meatballs until meatballs are browned on all sides.

3. In a separate medium bowl, mix together the water, vinegar, ketchup, cornstarch, carrots, sugar (or honey) and soy sauce. Pour over the meatballs, and allow sauce to thicken. Continue to heat until the sauce just starts to bubble.

4. Serve over rice.

Serves 5

p.s. we also served vegetable samosas at the party, which you can get from any “Little India” area of your city. Ours were from:

Calgary Sweets
113-7928 128 Street
Surrey, BC
(604) 591-9955

Usually, our knee-jerk reaction is to trumpet on at them about “comittment!”. Thinking we are doing a good job by teaching our children the value of comittment, of sticking it out, of seeing things through.

Or, an alternative motivation behind achieving compliance might be, as I heard one parent say, “Life sucks. Better they find out now.” Erm….

At any rate, this is can also be a source of conflict between parents, as they often hold differing views on the appropriate way to handle a kid who says, “I’m not going!”

Since this seems to be such a common parenting challenge, I’ve decided to share my thoughts on this issue and some unedited, personal correspondence between my husband and I when we recently faced this issue with our eldest son Oscar, age 9.

From birth, Oscar has been a child with lots of fears. He hates any situation where he does not feel in control and therefore doesn’t feel safe. Unfortunately, in our culture, where children are not treated as fully cognizant human beings with essential rights and dignities, this happens often.

So our challenge as parents has been to do whatever it takes to make him feel safe, whilst slowly helping him to build confidence and security in the world.

This latest incidence was sparked by Oscar’s refusal to go the the first track meet of the season. Oscar had decided he would like to join the track team at school (his first time trying track & field, and his first time joining a school team). His Dad had been getting up early 3 times a week to drive him to track practice before school. After three weeks of practices, it was time to attend his first track meet competition after school.

However, early that morning, Oscar decided he didn’t want to go. I was still in bed (having been up late working the night before), by the time he came into my room, Oscar was so upset he refused to even go to school that day.

So, I kept him home with me – on the stipulation that he was not allowed to play with his homeschooled neighbour until 3 pm. I didn’t want to reward him for staying home, but I wanted him to be able to take a day off and not be forced into attending when he was so upset. We spent a long time talking about his feelings about track, the team, the coach, his feelings about his Dad, similar incidences in the past, etc. Then we did a mind/body acupuncture tapping method together called EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) to release some of the fear and conflict he was feeling.

He spent the rest of the day playing with his 2 year old brother and re-doing a five-page homework assignment in hopes that he could resubmit it and get a better mark (he did).

However, my husband did not agree with my handling of this situation. He feels we should not allow Oscar’s fears to stop him, but should use various persuasive techniques to get him to ‘keep his commitments’.

If we were to do this, then let’s follow this “method” through to its natural conclusion:

- Oscar will quit unless we hammer him into going
- Oscar performs well after lots of pressure, cajoling, bribery from us
- Oscar can lie about his feelings, because he is a people-pleaser and he MOST wants to please his Dad, one of the most important people in his life. Oscar doesn’t want Dad or Grandad to feel bad. He wants the important people in his life to be happy and proud of him.

What do all of these points above have in common?

NONE of the motivation, desire, commitment etc. is coming from Oscar himself. It is all coming from external influences – i.e. the parents.

So what are we teaching Oscar through this method?

We can try to force, trick, cajole or control our child’s choices. Or we can view it as a process and be there as a support and guide as he discovers natural consequences to his actions and then asks self if that’s who he is? how he wants to live his life? etc.

Oscar had an excellent experience of consequences when his friend M. told him of his wins at the meet. Oscar was royally pissed off. This is good. This is actually positive and part of the process. This is a natural consequence.

Oscar also expressed some very valid feeling and fears when we discussed it in the morning. We did some EFT TAPPING on those fears. Do you think Oscar would participate in tapping – which he dislikes – if his fears weren’t real?

So, back to the natural conclusion of this method……

If we use these methods, we are teaching Oscar that:

1. He should do something, not because he wants to, or it’s in alignment with his goals and values as a human being, but because he’s weak enough to allow himself to be manipulated into performing the way SOMEONE ELSE wants him to behave. That’s a lesson that will serve him really well when the dominant presence in his life is not us, but his peer group. We’ll see really good results from that training when the person he most wants to please is not mum or dad, but his girlfriend, or the popular guys at school.

2. Better not try anything, because god help you if you decide you don’t like it anymore, or it’s too stressful, or just not what you expected. Because then your parents are going to FORCE you to keep going, because you made a COMMITMENT. So, best to just not try anything new, or join anymore group activities, ’cause it’s not worth the aggro.

If Oscar had come to me first that morning – before working himself into such a state of resistance and conflict with dad – he would most likely have chosen to attend the track meet.

Why?

Because my agenda is not to control him and get him to do what I think is best for him. My agenda is to find out what HE wants and talk to him about how his actions determine who he is in this world. And does he want his world to become bigger or smaller?

My agenda is to discover Oscar’s real concerns regarding the coaching and the dynamics of the other kids and how all that makes him feel. And then address those feelings using an effective tool like EFT. My agenda is to give him the FREEDOM and tools to achieve the freedom to be who HE wants to be in this life. NOT who I want him to be.

My agenda is to let him make some mistakes in his life, so he can learn about who he is, what he wants, and natural consequences of his actions. Rather than forcing, cajoling, bribing him to immediately produce the desired result (i.e. go to this track meet) I see this incidence as more than just whether he’ll go to the meet or not, no, it is far more valuable as a teaching and learning tool for Oscar’s development into a successful adult.

I am not looking to raise an obedient child who can be easily controlled by me and perform according to MY values, and what’s important to me.

I am looking to raise a strong, successful adult, who is cognizant of HIS values, what is important to him, and lives his life accordingly.

And what would be the natural conclusion of this method?

1. He will look to his OWN gut for wisdom about what he’s really feeling and what’s really important to him. Not to the dominant person in his life.

2. He will learn natural consequences for various actions NOW when the payback is not too damaging nor devastating. Why do you think most teenagers make such disastrous decisions and muck themselves up so badly? They haven’t had any practice! They’ve been CONTROLLED as children, rather than guided to find their own wisdom and ALLOWED to make good and BAD choices, so they experience the consequences and then revise future behaviour based on lessons learned.

3. He will learn the importance of using tools like dialoguing openly with someone he respects, EFT, connecting with his gut, to solve his problems and dilemmas.

4. Hopefully, over time, he will reduce his people-pleasing tendencies as he comes to put his own feelings and body wisdom before others. This will make him much happier in his life and also render him less susceptible to negative, persuasive influences. This will increase his integrity and authenticity as a successful human being in this life.

I hope that’s given you some ideas for dealing with this issue in your family, or at least sparked some good dialogue. Let me know your thoughts in the COMMENTS box below….

Soar higher,
Jini

Having just spent 6 weeks in Playa Del Carmen, Mexico – 1 month in a rented villa and 2 weeks in an all-inclusive resort – I have to say that my ideal vacation would be a perfect combination of the two:

• Spacious, QUIET (soundproof) accomodation with laundry facilities – available in two or three bdrm configurations to accomodate families.
• Comfortable furniture to relax on – not the cheap bamboo stuff with thin cushions you find in most rentals.
• Non-toxic pots and pans (i.e. no Teflon!) for if you want to make breakfast or a quick snack for the kids. And 100% cotton sheets – no xenoestrogens from polyester!
• All meals, snacks, drinks provided in the highest quality (i.e. fresh, unprocessed, no artificial flavors/colors). Or at least a few good restaurants onsite so you can do a non-stressful (yet cheaper) combination of cooking and easy eating out.
• Daily maid service.
• Beach with LOTS of shaded areas.
• Swimming pools with ozone or ionization filtrations systems rather than chlorine.

Anyone know of anywhere that fits the bill – other than fantasyland?

Jini

After everything I’ve done to avoid repeating the legacy of physical abuse that runs in my family, my eight-year-old son has just informed me that he would greatly prefer it if I could hit him, please, rather than using penalties (loss of playdates, etc.) as punishment.

“Why??” I ask.

“Because I like getting hit,” he says, “it’s fun.”

“But I don’t like hitting you,” I protest, greatly puzzled as to how getting hit could possibly be fun, “and you know I really don’t want to hit you in case I lose it and end up really hurting you.”

“But words don’t do anything, Mama” he says, “when I’ve got that bugger-energy, words mean nothing. You can give me whatever penalty you want and I don’t care. I can’t stop it. But if you hit me, then the energy from your hand drives the bugger-energy out of my body.”

“Then,” he continues, “you have to immediately start talking about something else. Don’t talk about what I was doing wrong, talk about something completely different – like getting a dog. Because if you keep going on about it – you know, like Daddy does – then the bugger-energy just comes back. Or it skips to someone else, like Zara or Hugo. But if you, right away, start talking about something else, then I can be loving and get back to normal and the bugger-energy stays away.”

I clarify, “Oh, so you mean you want me to take your mind off it right away by talking about something interesting.”

“Yes,” he says, “or fun; like what are we going to do today.”

I think on this rather startling information for a bit, then I say, “But I really don’t like hitting you, because it hurts my hand.”

“Well you don’t have to hit me hard,” he replies, “you know, you should really learn from Nana, she hits us three times, but none of them are hard – maybe all three add up to one of yours.”

I’m still having a really hard time getting my head round all this.

“But Oscar,” I say, “for me to get to the point where I’m going to hit you, I’m really angry, my rage is breaking out and I just wallop you. But if you hadn’t pushed me past what I can take, then I wouldn’t hit you in the first place.”

“I know,” says Oscar, “you should do what Mrs. Strong [his teacher] does. You get three warnings and then you have to go sit alone outside the class. So you could give me three warnings and then one hit. Before you get angry.”

“Oh, so you don’t need anger with the hit?”

“No,” he says, “and the anger makes it worse, because then I get angry too.”

“Okay, so three warnings, then one hit – not hard and no anger – then don’t talk about it, but immediately change the subject to something fun or happy. Is that it?”

“Yes,” he says, “And you can tell Daddy to do that too. But, oh man…Daddy is way too….you know, he just gives us chance after chance and then he still doesn’t hit us, he just raises his hand and shouts and then we run away. So that doesn’t work at all. He’s got to become… you know, more like you.”

“You mean more strict?” I ask.

“Yes, he’s got to say it and then right away do it. You have to do the actions. And if you ever don’t do the actions, then that’s it, we won’t listen to you after that.”

This parenting advice from my eight-year-old son, has really turned me on my head. Talk about torching pretty inviolate principles I’ve held since I was a child, when I vowed I would never hit my own children. And yet, he’s not requesting that I beat him in anger; resulting in fear, rage and humiliation. He’s not even asking me to physically hurt him.

But somehow, or for some reason (perhaps on the energetic plane) he’s telling me that the only way he can break free of the “bugger-energy” is if I spank him. And then I need to keep the bugger-energy from resettling on him or his siblings, by immediately directing his mind and energy to something fun, loving, happy, etc.

When Oscar talks about “bugger-energy” he’s referring to this horrible space or persona he gets into where he literally torments the members of our family. It is truly torturous and absolutely relentless in its intensity. I don’t know if other children do this to their parents or siblings – I know our other two don’t. Oh sure, they can be very naughty and difficult from time to time, but nowhere near the scale or intensity of Oscar’s behaviour.

To date, the only way to get him out of this space has been to lock him in his room – where he goes into a rage – and then when you feel the shift in his energy, ask him, “Are you ready to come out now and behave decently?”

When he’s ready to apologize and come out, he is the sweetest, gentlest, most helpful, loving, adorable boy on the planet. It’s like something builds up in him and he needs a catharsis. Then, once he’s had his catharsis and it’s cleared from his system, he simply oozes love and caring for the rest of the day. And all is pretty much fine (for days, weeks, or months) – until the next time.

I wonder too if this is a boy thing? Our daughter doesn’t do this, and our other son is only two and a half. Oscar didn’t start tormenting until he was four and it was at its worst in the year he was five. My younger brother (nine years younger than me) used to do this too. He would follow me around the house just bugging the crap out of me. Finally I would go and lock myself in my room to get away from him. And he would stay right outside my door harassing me for two hours (the longest I ever lasted) until I would finally come out and wallop him.

I asked my brother when he was in his twenties why he used to do this to me. His answer: “Oh, it was great fun, I liked to see how far I could push you before you would blow.”

I said, “You mean, if I would have blown a lot sooner, then that would have been fine, you would have just gone away?”

“Yep.”

This ‘spanking’ request from Oscar is also very interesting from the perspective of a parenting movement called Non-Violent Communication. Their premise is essentially that you don’t get a child to behave decently (caringly, lovingly, compassionately) via threat or execution of punishment. But rather, compliance is achieved through extensive dialoguing with the child, seeking to discern their need, desire, motivation, etc. And then explaining to them with compassion why their behaviour (hogging the slide at the playground, for example) is not a good idea. You’re supposed to persist in this manner until the child shifts their behaviour accordingly.

This method is very much in line with my principles (be the compassion you want to see in the world) and works well for most of our children, a lot of the time. The rest of the time, penalties (the small person’s equivalent of a speeding ticket) work well – and the children usually devise their own penalties and shoulder their responsibility willingly.

Then there’s Oscar: ‘Aw for heaven’s sake Mum, just wallop me would ya?’

Well, I’ll go ahead and try his ‘no-anger-spank-and-distract’ plan and let’s see if it works!

Personally, from what I’m learning from each of my kids and various methods of discipline is that the key is to teach, explore, discipline, etc. without anger. Anger turns a valid issue, or need, or violation of rights, into a power struggle. And then you all lose.

So for myself, my own self-discipline involves remembering and implementing these strategies before I start to get angry. And I will admit, I’m not there yet! Just last night I was incredibly tired and stressed (2 year-old Hugo had just run off and disappeared in the middle of town – we found him after a frantic search) and a conflict with Oscar was escalating.

It was actually Oscar who was the bigger person and stopped the conflagration cold by yelling, “Just hit me! Don’t you remember anything?? I need the hit!” So I grinned, said, “Doh!” delivered a smack to his leg (we were sitting down in a restaurant).

“Is that hard enough?” I asked.

“Yep.” he said. And we had a lovely cuddle and began talking about something else.

Update: It’s been one week and so far Oscar’s method is working like a charm. We’ve had three blowups averted thus far, quickly and painlessly (including the one outlined above), by using his method. As we’re on holiday (all together 24/7) this is actually the ideal time to test this. Let’s hope it continues for the long-term!

Jini

I am a more than useful member of this society. I am well educated, I create employment. I create and sell stuff to people that makes a difference to peoples lives, and in some cases stops them from dying. I believe in creating opportunities for people so they can create, make and have a better life for themselves. I do my bit for this planet in attempting to raise a functional family, with a functional relationship with my wife and kids – giving up my own self-centered drivers to put time into my kids (time = money in this society – so financially I am giving up many dollars).

I pay my taxes to get my garbage picked up, support police, fire and schools and all the other services I benefit from living here in Canada. I recycle, support local farmers, rather than the big chains (not all the time) for groceries, buy the healthier choice foods – supporting companies that I believe are also trying to make a difference. I don’t do drugs, beat people up, drink heavily, do not smoke at all, and so on. I probably do a few naughty things that I shouldn’t – but that is also normal from what I see!

So I am a pretty normal person trying to exist in my universe within the parameters of what Canada (or any other country) offers me in terms of a government.

So why is it that I had no interest in voting in the Canadian election a couple of weeks ago (mind you if you lived out here you would not really have guessed there was one)? It appears I was not alone as 4 out of 10 (probably also normal) people also chose not to vote.

Why did I not take my passions and support someone who I felt could make a difference – similar to what I believe and do?

Why did 4 out of 10 people in Canada also choose to make this same decision and to not bother?

The reason is simple: There was no one who I trusted and no one I believed could make a difference as the whole system is now about marketing and media and getting your message across to as many people to convert them to vote for you. Oversell and under-promise and under-deliver with corrupt methods of voting, and all the other bells and whistles you get with it. Because it is easy to just make an excuse as to why you did not follow through on what you said you would do.

Even the parties trying to make a difference make no difference whatsoever. I asked Jini who she voted for and the GREEN party was her reply (why was I not surprised!) They did not even win one seat! How could this happen?

My brother-in-law, Ricken tells me the only thing that keeps him going with what he is doing with Avaaz is hope. I believe him. However, hope is just a word. Hope is not an action. Actions are made by the few who control the masses. You cannot give up – I also agree. But you are fighting a system that is a system and that is what it will be forever – unless there is radical change by the people who control us and our lives.

And what about elections in the US?

If Candidate X wins and gets the electoral votes (even if it is less than 50% of the population who actually voted) and Candidate Y gets the rest (even if he gets more of the percentage of the vote than the Candidate X) – then how can the people who voted for Candidate Y be happy? Why should they be forced to be governed by someone they do not believe in or agree with? Even if they are good, normal members of society? How does this create harmony in a society, to create all the values that everyone always talks about?

But getting back to Canada, with everything that is now happening worldwide, surely it is now time for total reform in the way in which we live our lives. Surely the 4 out of 10 people have to be heard now that they are fed up with the way in which this whole system works and is mismanaged on an ongoing basis?

Our freedoms, our security, our family values and so on are continually put at risk, yet we are always told that we have the choice to be able to change things as long as we support what we want. This never happens. So you go back to your own universe and do the best you can with what you are thrown, whilst you are totally controlled by the system as they strip more rights away from you bit by bit.

Bottom line is – the whole political structure of our Western World is destined to failure. What is the point of giving people a choice in life if this choice is then lost? The whole political system eventually will fall apart because of this reason. You are creating divide between the system on an ongoing basis all the time and when you have continual split there is only one result – failure. Failure in our home, our families and communities and all the other nasty stuff that occurs in our societies.

I do not trust anyone in politics anymore unless there is change. I see it for what it REALLY is. A total sham. A marketing-media-money-making venture for people to live out their dreams as iconic leaders that will be looked at in many years to come as history lesson material and game show questions. The day-to-day nuts and bolts of living is discarded over time. Besides who cares in 20 years how many people lost their jobs because of a recession?

If there is a better moment in history for change, this now has to be it – for someone, somebody, something to create another option to the farcical offerings currently available.

I have no idea what it is or how to do it as I am just a normal person eking out a normal living for me and my family. However – no vote no more. My energy is best focused on what I AM DOING AND THE CHANGES I CAN MAKE TO MY FAMILY AND SOCIETY THAT I INTEGRATE WITH. No politician can help me do that.

But until the system changes, I am going to sit on the sidelines and let the continual to-ing and fro-ing go on from growth to collapse and so on….while everyone runs around fighting for the top dog spot and to make themselves as part of the history books as another leader….

Ian

We have Monopoly, Sorry and Stock Ticker – all now over 30 years old and our kids play them over at Nana and Grandada’s house. The pieces haven’t broken, the cards are still in good shape, etc.

Old Version of Sorry – which my parents still use

Now, how about buying those same board games today?

First of all the boards are all chopped up into squares, folded 3 times, rather than just a nice, sturdy center fold. The boards are about half the thickness (or less), the pieces the cheapest plastic that break quickly and the cards are even wafer thin and poorly laminated – they bend (and stay bent) just from shuffling them normally!

New Version of Sorry That We Just Bought

Every board game we’ve bought in the last five years falls apart in no time. Oh, I lie, we did buy a special version of Scrabble 10 years ago (with real wooden pieces and holders) that’s still in great shape – although, no wait, the bag was crap so I had to sew a new one, which of course is still good (since I used good quality material and sewed it well).

My point is this: I would happily pay double, or triple the going rate for decent, old-style quality board games! And I bet I’m not alone in this.

If they can’t produce a good quality product at the current price point, then why don’t all these toy companies come out with “heirloom” versions of our favorite games? Charge us what the good quality products are worth and we’ll be happy to pay it.

Anyone work for a toy company??

Jini

Well, he has discovered a CURE for cancer that works 90% of the time and it is so simple, it’s beautiful. It essentially involves treating the tumor or cancerous area with… baking soda!

Why does this treatment work? Because Dr. Simoncini maintains that cancer is a fungus. Therefore, just as millions of women who treat their Candida infections with baking soda have discovered, fungus is unable to live in an alkaline environment.

The 10% failure rate is due to bone cancers – they have been unable to come up with a way to get the baking soda inside the bone.

Dr. Simoncini explains this in person, on Doug Kaufmann’s TV show (p.s. I’ve been on Doug’s show twice and he has been educating people about fungus for a decade or longer):

Cancer Is A Fungus – Part 1

Cancer Is A Fungus – Part 2

You can also visit this site below and listen to a radio interview where Dr. John Apsley explains the baking soda treatment in detail and gives you the exact formula and delivery methods for different cancers. You can then take these formulations and instructions to your integrative medicine doctor and begin treatment if needed.

http://www.curenaturalicancro.com/rsbell-dr-apsley.html

Not surprisingly, Dr. Simoncini has since lost his medical license (he is currently in litigation to get it back), but regardless, there are dozens of clinics and hospitals in Rome and North of Rome who are continuing to implement his protocols. Keep an eye out as it won’t be long before Cancer Institutes, the FDA, Big Pharma and numerous others who make billions out of cancer treatment, or the “search for the cure” for cancer release “studies” discrediting his protocols. Unfortunately, a quick look at the past shows this happens with every natural remedy or protocol that is very effective. We just need to stay savvy and not be swayed by the propaganda when it comes down the pipe.

As those of you who have done any research on this topic know, there are actually numerous natural treatment protocols that are highly effective at curing cancer. However, this one wins the prize in my book, because not only is it so simple, it is very quick too.

Of course, as with healing any disease, you must then make the lifestyle, environmental and dietary changes necessary to prevent future fungal infection, if you want to remain cancer-free for the rest of your life. But then, this applies to all of us anyway.

Jini