I really just have one primary driver: I don’t want any of my family to develop a serious illness. The cancer rate is now 1 in 2. That’s right, out of every single person you know, half of them will have cancer at some point in their lives.

Why doesn’t that stat live with people and permeate their lives? When you go to buy your groceries, “1 in 2″ should be playing in your head, when you spray your lawn, when you reach for your cell phone, “1 in 2″ should be repeating over and over. When you buy your kid – with their still-developing, thinner skull, a cell phone (for pete’s sake!) and a wireless computer, “1 in 2″ should be positively booming in your head.

What exactly is going on? Does every mother at my kids’ school think that her child is going to be the disease-free half of the population, so she doesn’t have to change anything? Uh….hmmm, let’s just do the math for one millisecond and we realize how ludicrous that is. Or do they just not care?

Or are they like the school board, who bases all of it’s decisions upon information put out by industry-influenced sources? Are people really that naive? Has no one learned anything from the cigarette/smoking issue? Or the swine flu fiasco?

Do I sound a tad irate? Do I sound like I just can’t take it anymore? Because you know what, I’ve already healed myself of serious, chronic illness (largely inflicted upon me by the well-meaning ignorance of my parents). And I am NOT going through that again.

People who have never had a serious illness, don’t realize that you will spend almost every minute in misery for YEARS. They don’t understand that nothing is worth that. But I do.

And that’s why I’m so beside myself at having to live in a community where everyone around me is continually making disease-producing choices and I’m the only one pushing in another direction.

And yes, I’m “pushing.” I spend every day pushing against the choices made by other parents when they give my children chemical and sugar-laden foods at playdates and birthday parties. When the school installs wireless computers and allows children to bring cell phones to school and the teachers provide sugary, chemical-laden “treats” at every holiday. When other parents send sugar/chemical “treats” to school for everyone when it’s their child’s birthday, valentine’s day, halloween, etc. And what about all the after-soccer, birthday party, post-performance celebrations at McDonald’s and Dairy Queen?

Oh yes, thank you, that’s so nice of you! Cause you know, I was having a hard time getting my kids to eat enough sugar and artificial crap without your help.

And what does that turn me into? The big, bad, nagging meanie. When I’m really a fun-loving, adventurous, dynamic person who has always lived life in the “flow”. Now every single day, I’m “pushing”. I hate it. I hate living this way.

But I hate illness even more.

When I think, I should just give up, let the kids be like everyone around them, and remove a huge stressor from my life, then I also think: Yeah, and for how long? Because one thing you learn when you have to heal yourself from a serious, supposedly “incurable” illness, is what produces disease and what produces health.

So I don’t have the benefit of ignorance. I KNOW that if I let my kids do what everyone else is doing and we live the way everyone else is living…”1 in 2″. And that’s just cancer. That doesn’t even include MS, Lupus, diabetes, Crohn’s, colitis (which is approaching epidemic levels), CFS, etc etc.

What’s the solution? Do we have to go completely “off the grid” and buy 150 acres somewhere and grow our own food, have our own water supply, homeschool our children, etc. Oy vey, and how would I have the time/energy to do all that and still run my business? And where exactly would we do that?

Or are there places where there are communities of people who are already aware of the toxicity of “normal” lifestyles and a bunch of people doing something different? I’ve heard about a development in Vilcabamba, Ecuador – but you may have to be a vegetarian, raw foodist to live there and personally the crime and the bugs don’t appeal to me.

And then if you join any kind of “community” aren’t you going to get all the whacky people and bureaucrats who just want to control everyone – kind of like a strata council (or condo owner’s association) that never stops?

You see what I mean? Now you know why I’m feeling totally gutted, trapped, exhausted, etc. I don’t actually want to move anywhere, or become a farmer.

But I don’t want my kids to develop a serious, chronic illness, even more.

A friend of mine is convinced the solution is to move to New Zealand. Who knows??

The main technique most mothers around me tend to use is some version of the Ferber Method, also referred to as “controlled crying”. This is the same technique my mother used when I was an infant, to get me to sleep by myself (in my own crib, in my own room) through the night.

I have never even considered using this technique with my 3 kids, just following my gut intuition, and I recently found an excerpt from lactation consultant Pinky McKay that so eloquently outlines why:

One of the arguments for using controlled crying is that it ‘works’, but perhaps the definition of success needs to be examined more closely. In the small number of studies undertaken, while most babies will indeed stop waking when they are left to cry, ‘success’ varies from an extra hour’s sleep each night to little difference between babies who underwent sleep training and those who didn’t, eight weeks later. Some studies found that up to one-third of the babies who underwent controlled crying ‘failed sleep school’. A recent Australian baby magazine survey revealed that lthough 57 per cent of mothers who responded to the survey had tried controlled crying, 27 per cent reported no success, 27 per cent found it worked for one or two nights, and only 8 per cent found that controlled crying worked for longer than a week. To me, this suggests that even if harsher regimes work initially, babies are likely to start waking again as they reach new developmental stages or conversely, they may become more settled and sleep (without any intervention) as they reach appropriate developmental levels.

Controlled crying and other similar regimes may indeed work to produce a self-soothing, solitary sleeping infant. However, the trade-off could be an anxious, clingy or hyper-vigilant child or even worse, a child whose trust is broken. Unfortunately, we can’t measure attributes such as trust and empathy which are the basic skills for forming all relationships. We can’t, for instance, give a child a trust quotient like we can give him an intelligence quotient. One of the saddest emails I have received was from a mother who did controlled crying with her one-year-old toddler.

“After a week of controlled crying he slept, but he stopped talking (he was saying single words). For the past year, he has refused all physical contact from me. If he hurts himself, he goes to his older brother (a preschooler) for comfort. I feel devastated that I have betrayed my child.”

It is the very principle that makes controlled crying ‘work’ that is of greatest concern: when controlled crying ‘succeeds’ in teaching a baby to fall asleep alone, it is due to a process that neurobiologist Bruce Perry calls the ‘defeat response’. Normally, when humans feel threatened, our bodies flood with stress hormones and we go into ‘fight’ or ‘flight’. However, babies can’t fight and they can’t flee, so they communicate their distress by crying. When infant cries are ignored, this trauma elicits a ‘freeze’ or ‘defeat’ response. Babies eventually abandon their crying as the nervous system shuts down the emotional pain and the striving to reach out.

One explanation for the success of ‘crying it out’ is that when an infant’s defeat response is triggered often enough, the child will become habituated to this. That is, each time the child is left to cry, he ‘switches’ more quickly to this response. This is why babies may cry for say, an hour the first night, twenty minutes the following night and fall asleep almost immediately on the third night (if you are ‘lucky’). They are ‘switching off’ (and sleeping) more quickly, not learning a legitimate skill.

Whether sleep ‘success’ is due to behavioural principles (that is, a lack of ‘rewards’ when baby wakes) or whether the baby is overwhelmed by a stress reaction, the saddest risk of all is that as he tries to communicate in the only way available to him, the baby who is left to cry in order to teach him to sleep will learn a much crueler lesson – that he cannot make a difference, so what is the point of reaching out. This is learned helplessness.

This is an edited extract from “Sleeping Like a Baby” by Pinky McKay (Penguin). Pinky is am International Board Certified Lactation Consultant, Certified Infant Massage Instructor and mother of five. For more tips to help your baby (and you!) sleep, read Pinky’s best-selling book Sleeping Like a Baby.

Personally, I feel being “left to cry” as an infant was the foundation of my fears of not feeling safe in the world – which I have spent about 20 years of healing/therapy overcoming! It is not the only contributing factor, but I think it is a root, significant one.

I once listened to a neighbour using this method with her baby and the cries of “Mommy, please help me!” had tears streaming down my face and I’m not even her mother! My own children were upset and just couldn’t conceive that a mother would do that to her own child. I thought to myself, “You know, if that were an elderly person in there, crying and calling for help, we would call the police. So why are we allowed to treat children with a lack of such basic respect and care?”

In the end, my kids and I stood underneath the baby’s open window (which is why we could hear everything) and discussed loudly what was going on and the kids called up reassurances to the baby. Whatever this made the parents feel, they came and got their baby and we didn’t have to listen to any more anguish, thank god.

So, yes, sleep disturbance/deprivation is part of what makes parenting so incredibly hard and exhausting. And yes, I know there are some times when you are a single parent (or perhaps you’re married, but you’re still doing all the grunt work) and you don’t have a support person available and you’re facing the dilemma of ‘lock them in a room or risk abusing them’ what can you do? But really, if this happens more than once or twice, it is your responsibility as the adult to change the dynamic so that you get someone else helping you when you hit the wall.

One tool that I used to help my children get to sleep easily without damaging their trust, security and attachment to me (when I was just too exhausted to read, sing, or tell them a story), is my Sleeptime Story CDs – these work great for kids aged 18 months – 6 years. Most of the time, I would lie down with my kids as they listened to a story and drifted off to sleep (the music put me to sleep too). But my husband was also able to use them to get the kids off to sleep if I wasn’t there – instead of them waiting up for me to get home!

Click here to listen to a sample of a Murray The Shark Sleeptime Story – this one’s called The Fishing Game.

But you can also record your own stories and then put them on a CD or mp3 to use when you’re not around, or when you’re too tired to do anything but lie there!

soar higher,

Jini

Enjoy!

soar higher,

Jini

We recently had a joint birthday party at my place with 54 adults and 33 kids. So many people asked for my recipes that I’ve decided to post them here on my blog.

If you’re planning a party, this mix of recipes is ideal because:

1. They can be made over a 3-day stretch before the party, so you don’t get exhausted trying to prepare everything within a day.

2. There is a nice mix of flavors and textures – sure to please every palate.

3. Except for the Singapore Meatballs, everything is vegetarian – but equally appealing to meat eaters.

For the kids, I just put out a veggie and dip plate, a fruit plate, a big bowl of plain potato chips and ordered cheese pizza. The kids received no chemicals and their only sugar was a piece of birthday cake and 1 juice box (with their pizza). Hmmm…. do you think that had something to do with the fact that we did not have ONE fight, accident, injury, etc. from 4 pm – 11 pm and all 33 kids (aged 1 – 10) played happily? I know from my own kids, if I feed them good foods (no chemicals, minimal sugar), they don’t get crazy!

Anyway, here are the recipes. They are in the normal sized amounts for a regular family or small dinner party, so if you’re having a big party, just quadruple the recipes – Enjoy!

JINI’S CAESAR SALAD DRESSING

Ingredients:

2 egg yolks
5 cloves garlic – peeled
juice of 1 lemon
1 tbsp white vinegar
1/2 tsp worcestershire sauce
1/2 tsp salt
pinch of pepper
1 tin of anchovies (50 grams), drained of oil (Millionaires brand is best)
1 cup very finely grated fresh parmigiano (parmesan) cheese from Italy
1.5 cups Italian extra virgin olive oil, at room temperature

1. Put egg yolks, garlic, lemon juice, vinegar, worcestershire, salt, pepper and anchovies in the blender and puree on low speed until liquid.

2. Keep blender running on low speed puree setting and add the olive oil in a VERY thin stream, until all the oil is gone and the dressing is now very thick.

3. Stir in the parmesan cheese.

4. Pour into wide mouth glass jar and store in the fridge. I find this dressing is fine if kept in the fridge for up to 2 months.

Mix well with romaine lettuce and then sprinkle more finely grated fresh parmesan on top. Add chicken or shrimp and you have a meal!

*Note: You must use Italian olive oil, italian parmigiano (parmesan) and very good quality anchovies for this dressing to taste right.

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SUPER CREAMY HUMMUS

Ingredients:
1 (12 oz) can chickpeas
1/4 cup tahini (from roasted seeds)
1/4 cup fresh lemon juice
5 cloves of garlic
salt to taste

Garnish:
olive oil
parsley
chopped tomatoes

1.  First put the tahini and lemon juice into a blender and blend away until it’s frothy, white, and creamy.

2.  Add minced garlic and blend it into the cream

3. Open the cans of chickpeas, drain, and rinse them off in a strainer using cold water.

4.  Blend in chickpeas a little at a time until the cream has thickened, but isn’t too thick and is still pale. Add salt to taste. If it’s too thick, just add some filtered water and blend until consistency is .

5. Scoop the hummus into a bowl, sprinkle parsley and chopped tomatoes on top, and drizzle good olive oil over it. It’s best if served at room temperature or slightly warmer.

Note: The key to a good, creamy hummus is to emulsify the tahini in a water based liquid (or lemon juice) FIRST. This will NOT happen if you just put everything into a food processor all at once!

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HOT SPINACH ARTICHOKE DIP

Ingredients:

• 1 (14 ounce) can artichoke hearts, drained
• 1/3 cup grated Romano cheese
• 1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese
• 1 tablespoon minced garlic
• 1 (10 ounce) package frozen chopped spinach, thawed and drained
• 1/3 cup cream cheese
• 1/2 cup sour cream
• 1 cup shredded mozzarella cheese
• salt to taste

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease a 9×13 inch baking dish.

2. In a blender or food processor, place artichoke hearts, Romano cheese, Parmesan cheese and garlic . Pulse until chopped, but not ground. Set aside.

3. In a medium bowl, mix together spinach, heavy cream, sour cream and mozzarella cheese. Stir in artichoke mixture. Spoon into prepared baking dish.

4. Bake in the preheated oven for 20 to 25 minutes, or until top is lightly browned and cheese is melted and bubbly.

5. Garnish with fresh, diced tomatoes and serve with tortilla chips, or french bread rounds.

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JINI’S TABOULEH

Ingredients:

2 cups couscous, cooked and cooled
1 medium onion, finely diced
1 cup chopped parsley
1/2 cup fresh mint leaves, chopped (optional)
1 cup chopped fresh tomatoes, peeled
5 tablespoons (1/4 cup + 1 tablespoon) olive oil
1/4 cup fresh lemon juice
salt to taste

To make 2 cups of cooked couscous:

Bring 1 cup of filtered water to a boil in a pot, along with 1 tsp of olive oil and 1/4 tsp salt. Stir in 2/3 cup of couscous and bring it back to a boil again. Then immediately put a lid on the saucepan and turn off the stove. Leave it sit for 10 minutes and then fluff with a fork and turn it into a bowl to cool off. When cooled, you can use it to make the Tabouleh.

Mix all ingredients together well and refrigerate.

Serve with pita bread, tortilla chips or as a side dish to a main meal.

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UPSCALE CHEESE LOG

Ingredients:

• 2 (8 ounce) packages cream cheese, softened
• 1/2 cup shredded sharp Cheddar cheese
• 3 ounces blue cheese
• 1/2 cup butter, melted
• 1 tablespoon finely minced garlic
• 1/2 tsp. Worcestershire sauce
• 1/2 cup finely chopped fresh black olives
• 2 tablespoons finely chopped green onions
• 1 cup chopped, roasted pecans

1. In a large bowl, mix the cream cheese, Cheddar cheese, blue cheese, melted butter, garlic, and Worcestershire sauce until mixed smoothly. Then stir in the olives and green onions until well mixed. Cover, and refrigerate 30 minutes, until firm.

2. Shape the mixture into logs 1.5 inches in diameter, and roll each in the pecans to coat.

3. Wrap each log in wax paper and then again in plastic wrap (this prevents the transfer of toxins from the plastic into the food).

Store in fridge or freezer

To Roast Pecans: Heat 2 tablespoons olive oil in a large frying pan, at medium heat. Add the pecans and stir constantly until they make a “pop” sound and/or smell like toasted nuts.

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SINGAPORE SWEET ‘N SOUR MEATBALLS

Ingredients:

* 1 pound ground beef
* 1 egg
* 1 onion, chopped
* 1 large carrot, diced very tiny
* 1 cup dry bread crumbs
* salt and pepper to taste
* 1 cup water
* 1/4 cup white vinegar
* 1/2 cup ketchup
* 2 tablespoons cornstarch
* 1/4 cup brown sugar or honey
* 3 tablespoons soy sauce

1. In a large bowl, combine beef, egg, onion, bread crumbs, salt and pepper. Roll into meatballs about 1 inch in size.

2. In a large skillet over medium heat, saute the meatballs until meatballs are browned on all sides.

3. In a separate medium bowl, mix together the water, vinegar, ketchup, cornstarch, carrots, sugar (or honey) and soy sauce. Pour over the meatballs, and allow sauce to thicken. Continue to heat until the sauce just starts to bubble.

4. Serve over rice.

Serves 5

p.s. we also served vegetable samosas at the party, which you can get from any “Little India” area of your city. Ours were from:

Calgary Sweets
113-7928 128 Street
Surrey, BC
(604) 591-9955

Usually, our knee-jerk reaction is to trumpet on at them about “comittment!”. Thinking we are doing a good job by teaching our children the value of comittment, of sticking it out, of seeing things through.

Or, an alternative motivation behind achieving compliance might be, as I heard one parent say, “Life sucks. Better they find out now.” Erm….

At any rate, this is can also be a source of conflict between parents, as they often hold differing views on the appropriate way to handle a kid who says, “I’m not going!”

Since this seems to be such a common parenting challenge, I’ve decided to share my thoughts on this issue and some unedited, personal correspondence between my husband and I when we recently faced this issue with our eldest son Oscar, age 9.

From birth, Oscar has been a child with lots of fears. He hates any situation where he does not feel in control and therefore doesn’t feel safe. Unfortunately, in our culture, where children are not treated as fully cognizant human beings with essential rights and dignities, this happens often.

So our challenge as parents has been to do whatever it takes to make him feel safe, whilst slowly helping him to build confidence and security in the world.

This latest incidence was sparked by Oscar’s refusal to go the the first track meet of the season. Oscar had decided he would like to join the track team at school (his first time trying track & field, and his first time joining a school team). His Dad had been getting up early 3 times a week to drive him to track practice before school. After three weeks of practices, it was time to attend his first track meet competition after school.

However, early that morning, Oscar decided he didn’t want to go. I was still in bed (having been up late working the night before), by the time he came into my room, Oscar was so upset he refused to even go to school that day.

So, I kept him home with me – on the stipulation that he was not allowed to play with his homeschooled neighbour until 3 pm. I didn’t want to reward him for staying home, but I wanted him to be able to take a day off and not be forced into attending when he was so upset. We spent a long time talking about his feelings about track, the team, the coach, his feelings about his Dad, similar incidences in the past, etc. Then we did a mind/body acupuncture tapping method together called EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) to release some of the fear and conflict he was feeling.

He spent the rest of the day playing with his 2 year old brother and re-doing a five-page homework assignment in hopes that he could resubmit it and get a better mark (he did).

However, my husband did not agree with my handling of this situation. He feels we should not allow Oscar’s fears to stop him, but should use various persuasive techniques to get him to ‘keep his commitments’.

If we were to do this, then let’s follow this “method” through to its natural conclusion:

- Oscar will quit unless we hammer him into going
- Oscar performs well after lots of pressure, cajoling, bribery from us
- Oscar can lie about his feelings, because he is a people-pleaser and he MOST wants to please his Dad, one of the most important people in his life. Oscar doesn’t want Dad or Grandad to feel bad. He wants the important people in his life to be happy and proud of him.

What do all of these points above have in common?

NONE of the motivation, desire, commitment etc. is coming from Oscar himself. It is all coming from external influences – i.e. the parents.

So what are we teaching Oscar through this method?

We can try to force, trick, cajole or control our child’s choices. Or we can view it as a process and be there as a support and guide as he discovers natural consequences to his actions and then asks self if that’s who he is? how he wants to live his life? etc.

Oscar had an excellent experience of consequences when his friend M. told him of his wins at the meet. Oscar was royally pissed off. This is good. This is actually positive and part of the process. This is a natural consequence.

Oscar also expressed some very valid feeling and fears when we discussed it in the morning. We did some EFT TAPPING on those fears. Do you think Oscar would participate in tapping – which he dislikes – if his fears weren’t real?

So, back to the natural conclusion of this method……

If we use these methods, we are teaching Oscar that:

1. He should do something, not because he wants to, or it’s in alignment with his goals and values as a human being, but because he’s weak enough to allow himself to be manipulated into performing the way SOMEONE ELSE wants him to behave. That’s a lesson that will serve him really well when the dominant presence in his life is not us, but his peer group. We’ll see really good results from that training when the person he most wants to please is not mum or dad, but his girlfriend, or the popular guys at school.

2. Better not try anything, because god help you if you decide you don’t like it anymore, or it’s too stressful, or just not what you expected. Because then your parents are going to FORCE you to keep going, because you made a COMMITMENT. So, best to just not try anything new, or join anymore group activities, ’cause it’s not worth the aggro.

If Oscar had come to me first that morning – before working himself into such a state of resistance and conflict with dad – he would most likely have chosen to attend the track meet.

Why?

Because my agenda is not to control him and get him to do what I think is best for him. My agenda is to find out what HE wants and talk to him about how his actions determine who he is in this world. And does he want his world to become bigger or smaller?

My agenda is to discover Oscar’s real concerns regarding the coaching and the dynamics of the other kids and how all that makes him feel. And then address those feelings using an effective tool like EFT. My agenda is to give him the FREEDOM and tools to achieve the freedom to be who HE wants to be in this life. NOT who I want him to be.

My agenda is to let him make some mistakes in his life, so he can learn about who he is, what he wants, and natural consequences of his actions. Rather than forcing, cajoling, bribing him to immediately produce the desired result (i.e. go to this track meet) I see this incidence as more than just whether he’ll go to the meet or not, no, it is far more valuable as a teaching and learning tool for Oscar’s development into a successful adult.

I am not looking to raise an obedient child who can be easily controlled by me and perform according to MY values, and what’s important to me.

I am looking to raise a strong, successful adult, who is cognizant of HIS values, what is important to him, and lives his life accordingly.

And what would be the natural conclusion of this method?

1. He will look to his OWN gut for wisdom about what he’s really feeling and what’s really important to him. Not to the dominant person in his life.

2. He will learn natural consequences for various actions NOW when the payback is not too damaging nor devastating. Why do you think most teenagers make such disastrous decisions and muck themselves up so badly? They haven’t had any practice! They’ve been CONTROLLED as children, rather than guided to find their own wisdom and ALLOWED to make good and BAD choices, so they experience the consequences and then revise future behaviour based on lessons learned.

3. He will learn the importance of using tools like dialoguing openly with someone he respects, EFT, connecting with his gut, to solve his problems and dilemmas.

4. Hopefully, over time, he will reduce his people-pleasing tendencies as he comes to put his own feelings and body wisdom before others. This will make him much happier in his life and also render him less susceptible to negative, persuasive influences. This will increase his integrity and authenticity as a successful human being in this life.

I hope that’s given you some ideas for dealing with this issue in your family, or at least sparked some good dialogue. Let me know your thoughts in the COMMENTS box below….

Soar higher,
Jini

Having just spent 6 weeks in Playa Del Carmen, Mexico – 1 month in a rented villa and 2 weeks in an all-inclusive resort – I have to say that my ideal vacation would be a perfect combination of the two:

• Spacious, QUIET (soundproof) accomodation with laundry facilities – available in two or three bdrm configurations to accomodate families.
• Comfortable furniture to relax on – not the cheap bamboo stuff with thin cushions you find in most rentals.
• Non-toxic pots and pans (i.e. no Teflon!) for if you want to make breakfast or a quick snack for the kids. And 100% cotton sheets – no xenoestrogens from polyester!
• All meals, snacks, drinks provided in the highest quality (i.e. fresh, unprocessed, no artificial flavors/colors). Or at least a few good restaurants onsite so you can do a non-stressful (yet cheaper) combination of cooking and easy eating out.
• Daily maid service.
• Beach with LOTS of shaded areas.
• Swimming pools with ozone or ionization filtrations systems rather than chlorine.

Anyone know of anywhere that fits the bill – other than fantasyland?

Jini

After everything I’ve done to avoid repeating the legacy of physical abuse that runs in my family, my eight-year-old son has just informed me that he would greatly prefer it if I could hit him, please, rather than using penalties (loss of playdates, etc.) as punishment.

“Why??” I ask.

“Because I like getting hit,” he says, “it’s fun.”

“But I don’t like hitting you,” I protest, greatly puzzled as to how getting hit could possibly be fun, “and you know I really don’t want to hit you in case I lose it and end up really hurting you.”

“But words don’t do anything, Mama” he says, “when I’ve got that bugger-energy, words mean nothing. You can give me whatever penalty you want and I don’t care. I can’t stop it. But if you hit me, then the energy from your hand drives the bugger-energy out of my body.”

“Then,” he continues, “you have to immediately start talking about something else. Don’t talk about what I was doing wrong, talk about something completely different – like getting a dog. Because if you keep going on about it – you know, like Daddy does – then the bugger-energy just comes back. Or it skips to someone else, like Zara or Hugo. But if you, right away, start talking about something else, then I can be loving and get back to normal and the bugger-energy stays away.”

I clarify, “Oh, so you mean you want me to take your mind off it right away by talking about something interesting.”

“Yes,” he says, “or fun; like what are we going to do today.”

I think on this rather startling information for a bit, then I say, “But I really don’t like hitting you, because it hurts my hand.”

“Well you don’t have to hit me hard,” he replies, “you know, you should really learn from Nana, she hits us three times, but none of them are hard – maybe all three add up to one of yours.”

I’m still having a really hard time getting my head round all this.

“But Oscar,” I say, “for me to get to the point where I’m going to hit you, I’m really angry, my rage is breaking out and I just wallop you. But if you hadn’t pushed me past what I can take, then I wouldn’t hit you in the first place.”

“I know,” says Oscar, “you should do what Mrs. Strong [his teacher] does. You get three warnings and then you have to go sit alone outside the class. So you could give me three warnings and then one hit. Before you get angry.”

“Oh, so you don’t need anger with the hit?”

“No,” he says, “and the anger makes it worse, because then I get angry too.”

“Okay, so three warnings, then one hit – not hard and no anger – then don’t talk about it, but immediately change the subject to something fun or happy. Is that it?”

“Yes,” he says, “And you can tell Daddy to do that too. But, oh man…Daddy is way too….you know, he just gives us chance after chance and then he still doesn’t hit us, he just raises his hand and shouts and then we run away. So that doesn’t work at all. He’s got to become… you know, more like you.”

“You mean more strict?” I ask.

“Yes, he’s got to say it and then right away do it. You have to do the actions. And if you ever don’t do the actions, then that’s it, we won’t listen to you after that.”

This parenting advice from my eight-year-old son, has really turned me on my head. Talk about torching pretty inviolate principles I’ve held since I was a child, when I vowed I would never hit my own children. And yet, he’s not requesting that I beat him in anger; resulting in fear, rage and humiliation. He’s not even asking me to physically hurt him.

But somehow, or for some reason (perhaps on the energetic plane) he’s telling me that the only way he can break free of the “bugger-energy” is if I spank him. And then I need to keep the bugger-energy from resettling on him or his siblings, by immediately directing his mind and energy to something fun, loving, happy, etc.

When Oscar talks about “bugger-energy” he’s referring to this horrible space or persona he gets into where he literally torments the members of our family. It is truly torturous and absolutely relentless in its intensity. I don’t know if other children do this to their parents or siblings – I know our other two don’t. Oh sure, they can be very naughty and difficult from time to time, but nowhere near the scale or intensity of Oscar’s behaviour.

To date, the only way to get him out of this space has been to lock him in his room – where he goes into a rage – and then when you feel the shift in his energy, ask him, “Are you ready to come out now and behave decently?”

When he’s ready to apologize and come out, he is the sweetest, gentlest, most helpful, loving, adorable boy on the planet. It’s like something builds up in him and he needs a catharsis. Then, once he’s had his catharsis and it’s cleared from his system, he simply oozes love and caring for the rest of the day. And all is pretty much fine (for days, weeks, or months) – until the next time.

I wonder too if this is a boy thing? Our daughter doesn’t do this, and our other son is only two and a half. Oscar didn’t start tormenting until he was four and it was at its worst in the year he was five. My younger brother (nine years younger than me) used to do this too. He would follow me around the house just bugging the crap out of me. Finally I would go and lock myself in my room to get away from him. And he would stay right outside my door harassing me for two hours (the longest I ever lasted) until I would finally come out and wallop him.

I asked my brother when he was in his twenties why he used to do this to me. His answer: “Oh, it was great fun, I liked to see how far I could push you before you would blow.”

I said, “You mean, if I would have blown a lot sooner, then that would have been fine, you would have just gone away?”

“Yep.”

This ‘spanking’ request from Oscar is also very interesting from the perspective of a parenting movement called Non-Violent Communication. Their premise is essentially that you don’t get a child to behave decently (caringly, lovingly, compassionately) via threat or execution of punishment. But rather, compliance is achieved through extensive dialoguing with the child, seeking to discern their need, desire, motivation, etc. And then explaining to them with compassion why their behaviour (hogging the slide at the playground, for example) is not a good idea. You’re supposed to persist in this manner until the child shifts their behaviour accordingly.

This method is very much in line with my principles (be the compassion you want to see in the world) and works well for most of our children, a lot of the time. The rest of the time, penalties (the small person’s equivalent of a speeding ticket) work well – and the children usually devise their own penalties and shoulder their responsibility willingly.

Then there’s Oscar: ‘Aw for heaven’s sake Mum, just wallop me would ya?’

Well, I’ll go ahead and try his ‘no-anger-spank-and-distract’ plan and let’s see if it works!

Personally, from what I’m learning from each of my kids and various methods of discipline is that the key is to teach, explore, discipline, etc. without anger. Anger turns a valid issue, or need, or violation of rights, into a power struggle. And then you all lose.

So for myself, my own self-discipline involves remembering and implementing these strategies before I start to get angry. And I will admit, I’m not there yet! Just last night I was incredibly tired and stressed (2 year-old Hugo had just run off and disappeared in the middle of town – we found him after a frantic search) and a conflict with Oscar was escalating.

It was actually Oscar who was the bigger person and stopped the conflagration cold by yelling, “Just hit me! Don’t you remember anything?? I need the hit!” So I grinned, said, “Doh!” delivered a smack to his leg (we were sitting down in a restaurant).

“Is that hard enough?” I asked.

“Yep.” he said. And we had a lovely cuddle and began talking about something else.

Update: It’s been one week and so far Oscar’s method is working like a charm. We’ve had three blowups averted thus far, quickly and painlessly (including the one outlined above), by using his method. As we’re on holiday (all together 24/7) this is actually the ideal time to test this. Let’s hope it continues for the long-term!

Jini

We have Monopoly, Sorry and Stock Ticker – all now over 30 years old and our kids play them over at Nana and Grandada’s house. The pieces haven’t broken, the cards are still in good shape, etc.

Old Version of Sorry – which my parents still use

Now, how about buying those same board games today?

First of all the boards are all chopped up into squares, folded 3 times, rather than just a nice, sturdy center fold. The boards are about half the thickness (or less), the pieces the cheapest plastic that break quickly and the cards are even wafer thin and poorly laminated – they bend (and stay bent) just from shuffling them normally!

New Version of Sorry That We Just Bought

Every board game we’ve bought in the last five years falls apart in no time. Oh, I lie, we did buy a special version of Scrabble 10 years ago (with real wooden pieces and holders) that’s still in great shape – although, no wait, the bag was crap so I had to sew a new one, which of course is still good (since I used good quality material and sewed it well).

My point is this: I would happily pay double, or triple the going rate for decent, old-style quality board games! And I bet I’m not alone in this.

If they can’t produce a good quality product at the current price point, then why don’t all these toy companies come out with “heirloom” versions of our favorite games? Charge us what the good quality products are worth and we’ll be happy to pay it.

Anyone work for a toy company??

Jini

Thanks so much to everyone for posting comments with such honesty on the Mamma Mia Movie post ! I am really enjoying this dialogue and it is freeing in that it is giving me some more understanding and ideas. First I want to address some of those comments:

Casey, thanks for sharing your feelings. You probably had a double-whammy because not only did you have a fulfilling career, you had a great creative outlet/expression too. I hope you’re finding ways to keep singing now, even if it’s just in your own kitchen! I took my guitar down to the beach with the kids the other day and that was really enjoyable. Gotta do more of that!

Nicole, your perspective is one that would never have occurred to me – but I can certainly see how you (and others) could feel that way. It doesn’t resonate with me at all, but I can understand it. So that definitely helps.

Corey, I’m really glad you shared your perspective too – I had forgotten that aspect of the career-woman thing. And yes, I remember in London how hard it was to get together with some people – you had to book 3-4 weeks in advance because everyone’s schedule was so busy and everyone was working so hard (and no one had kids at that time either). Maybe Tokyo was such a wonderful, unique environment because us ex-pats were so “thrown together by such a foreign culture/language”. In many ways, having such isolating barriers around us, made intimacy really easy and also made it occur rapidly. So, if we all move to Papua, New Guinea, we should be all set!

And maybe that’s the crux: The kind of friendship that suits me best (that I like the best) is to have between 1 – 3 very close, intimate friends – because I prefer deep rather than light. But perhaps those kinds of friendships mostly occur in microcosms that facilitate continual, close contact: school, university, ex-pat communities, communes, religious organizations, etc.

Perhaps the most valuable take-away for me is to stop pining for, or wasting energy trying to re-create a relationship like that in this environment (which is not conducive to intimacy), but to focus on enjoying what is possible in this kind of situation. And perhaps that involves stretching my concepts, or allowing myself to evolve and not just ‘put up with’, but actually find enjoyment in more fleeting, sporadic relationships. A kind of “take it where you can get it” and “enjoy it while it lasts” approach.

So what if that doesn’t resonate with my core self? I know that greater flexibility leads to greater happiness, so I’m going to embrace that here and see what happens.

The other aspect that’s emerged from this discussion is that of loss and betrayal. By the time you reach our age, MANY of us have been seriously dumped by a close friend we invested a lot of time and love into. And this makes us very hesitant to risk that kind of intimacy again.

I went for lunch with another Mum from my daughter’s class and she shared how there were 4 girlfriends she’s had since junior high school. She had remained in the same area she’d grown up in, as had all her close friends, so she really had a “tribe” and they were very close. But by the time each of them got married, one by one, the friendships fractured (one married a loser husband, the other got very wealthy with different interests, etc.) until she only had 1 friend remaining that she’s still close with. She’s now totally gun-shy about investing so much of her time and her self into friendships – having seen how easily they can fracture.

As she was telling me the saga, she kept exclaiming things like, “I can’t believe it!” She was really shocked that this kind of disintegration could happen in such a long-term friendship. At some point I leaned over and said to her, “Honey, you’re preaching to the choir here.” This exact same thing has happened to me with 3 different friends so far – all of whom I’d had deep friendships with for 10 years or more.

So, I think this is another factor that blocks intimacy in friendships. Personally, I’ve come to the conclusion that there are very few people who possess the functionality necessary to maintain an intimate relationship for any length of time. Witness the divorce rate.

If people are not skilled in negotiation, problem-solving and conflict-resolution, they will not be able to maintain a good quality intimate relationship for any length of time. I really believe it’s that simple. And if you weren’t taught those skills by your parents, then you have to take courses in them and practice them – and how many people do that?

So now when I meet people and start to become friends with them, I’ve become quite mercenary about assessing their level of functionality: What’s their romantic relationship like? How do they parent their children? Are they living a fulfilling life they’re satisfied with? Are they healthy?

As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Who you are is speaking so loudly, I can’t hear what you’re saying.”

And that’s how I approach potential friends now. I don’t listen to their words. I look at their life for evidence that they are a functional, self-actualized, well-developed person. Because if they are not, I know there’s no way in hell they’ll be able to maintain a relationship with me.

Sadly, the majority of the time, the person’s life does not bear evidence of integrated personal, or interpersonal functionality. So then I either disengage, or I say to myself, “Well, it’s only a matter of time before this relationship blows up, but she’s fun, so I’m okay with that.” I find that if you’re forewarned that the friendship will disintegrate – or explode – it’s not too hurtful when it happens. It’s still sad and a shame, but it doesn’t cut deep.

Just more grist for the mill……

One last thing: When I went looking for a photo to put in this post, I found this article on the different types of friendships and it’s quite good. Based on this list, it’s obvious that my idea of “true friendship” and what I describe as “functionality” is what the author, Rajyeshwari Ghosh, describes as Self-Actualized Friendships:

Self-Actualized Friends – Friends in this group are the perfect combination and are very rare to find. These friends have an amazing appetite for intellectual conversation, are open to discuss about life experiences, take care of their own needs, have less complaints about life in general and respect others views of life. In addition to that, they will love to invest time to grow emotionally, professionally, intellectually, socially, and spiritually, know how to laugh and enjoy life also. These friends will not try to change others, but will appreciate and respect the differences. Probably, we will grow old with this group of friend. The friends in this group volunteer to give us feedback and advice about different aspects of life, not only because they care about us, but want positive things to happen in our lives.

Jini

I actually was feeling really down on the day I saw it – I went to the afternoon showing and hoped it would cheer me up. I was hoping it would transport me to another reality for a few hours, one that didn’t contain demanding children, drudgery, chores, and work, work, work.

Boy, did it ever. The movie was set in the beautiful Greek Islands with lots of singing, dancing, good friends and a don’t-give-up-on-your-dreams theme. And I cried the whole way through it.

It was so depressing for me! I went to the Greek islands with my good friend Linda B. in my twenties and had a blast. Before I had children, I travelled the world – often at a moment’s notice.

That’s even how I met my husband. He was in Hong Kong and I was in Vancouver, on Wednesday he said, “If I send you a ticket, will you come?” Sure! We’d met on the phone and had never even seen a photo of each other. I arrived in Hong Kong on Sunday and 3 days later we were engaged. Six months later we were married. That was 13 years ago and he’s still the love of my life.

Dreams? Oh yeah, I know a lot about dreams and have always followed mine.

Singing and dancing? – yep, used to do a shitload of that. Even worked as a singer/songwriter in London, UK, for 3 years. Used to dance the night away. Last time was 9 years ago.

Old and dear friendships? – yep, got some of those too. My friend Corey and I went to Tokyo after university to shoot the International Fashion Shows – we had formed a photography business together our last year of university and so were sponsored by the Edmonton Journal newspaper to go cover the shows. Our friend Linda O. came over 6 months later and the three of us had the time of our lives for the next 2 years. Then Corey and I went to London and Linda O. went home to Canada.

And where are all my good friends today? – I’m in Vancouver, Linda B. is in Edmonton, Corey is in London and Linda O. became an evangelical Christian who wants nothing to do with her former self/life. I don’t have a single friend I can just call up and say, “Let’s go for coffee” – and we do.

And so the movie “Mamma Mia” made me cry, the entire way through it. Because it kept reminding me of what I used to have, who I used to be and how much FUN that was.

And I compared it to my life now – which is just filled with SO much drudgery. What changed? I had children. Three of them. And while I – standard sentiment, but still so true – love them tremendously and wouldn’t give them up for anything, still, the majority of my life, on certain days, feels like a giant piece of shit.

It is so wearing having to serve other people all day long, every day. It is so draining to have to do the same things, the same routines, day after day. It is excruciating never having even 24 hours off. Not being able to rest when you are tired, not being able to eat when you are hungry. Because the childrens’ needs come first – because they are too young to do much of anything for themselves yet.

I thought it was just me.

Until I went to my daughter Zara’s first day of grade one and talked to another mother there about the movie. “Oh yes,” she said, “It made me cry too. When I came home I wanted to change everything about my life.”

Then a group of us talked about how none of us had any friends. And I don’t mean friends-acquaintances, I mean bosom-friends. Why? Because none of us were living where we grew up, or went to university.

“It’s so hard to make friends now,” said one of the moms, “it’s like trying to find a boyfriend, you have to go out, talk about everything, see if you’re compatible… who has the time? And it’s exhausting. Still, you have to try…”

And even if you do manage to find a true friend – you never get to see them. They’re so busy and involved with their own families, there’s very little time left for true friendships. I also know this since I’ve found 2 such friends in the 8 years since I had children, and no, not one of them has ever popped out for coffee with me. And yes, I have asked. Repeatedly.

If I hadn’t had such great friendships in the past, I would have serious complex by now. But I choose to interpret their actions as: It’s not about me, it’s about their schedules, priorities, guilt complexes, lack of babysitters, or helpful husbands. I hope.

And I wonder: Why don’t all those women’s magazines write about this phenomena of “friendship in the global economy”? Hello – no one has any! Because we all move around and no one has the time. Women are supposed to value other women so much, but let me tell you, there’s no woman that can compete with a woman’s children.

I have 3 wee ones and A business, but I will do whatever it takes to go out with a friend. And I would love to pop out for coffee or lunch on a regular basis. I would LOVE to have a girlfriend to meet once a week to gossip, moan and dream with. But even my single friend (married, no kids) doesn’t have time in her schedule for that.

Is the real truth that women don’t value friendship as highly as all the women’s mags tell us we do? Or is it that women don’t feel worthy or entitled to take that time for just themselves? I honestly don’t know.

I do remember talking to a friend of mine (again, a very good friend who lives an hour away and whom I see about once every 6 months) and she said something rather arresting to me, “Jini,” she said, “You want the whole fruit basket, whereas most of us are happy with just an apple.”

So maybe it is just me.

Cause yeah, I do think I should be able to have fabulous, healthy children, travel, adventure, fun, romance and bone-deep friendships (in the same city). And I’m rather pissed off that I don’t.

Jini